relationships advice


Keep Passion Alive In the Bedroom
" Look around, fantasize, and then just plan "
It doesn't take ten years for the passion to die out in a marriage or long-term relationship. With people's busy days and over-scheduled lives, it can be a matter of just months before one of a couple often "has a headache" or disregards their amorous partner. Physical and emotional intimacy feed on each other, so you need to use one to build the other. Which is why, even if you think it isn't important, make an effort to keep passion alive in the bedroom. There is a real payoff there.

Talk
Susie and Otto Collins, relationship coaches and authors of Should You Stay or Should you Go?, realize that what happens outside the bedroom can easily seep into it, making couples who don't resolve non-sexual issues less likely to be physically close. That, in turn, leads to a completely different set of problems. It is important, say the Collins's, to "consciously communicate what is most important to you in your relationship and your life... Simply communicating what you love about each other keeps passion alive." Take at least 30 minutes a week to really talk.

Keeping the mystery alive
You know, nothing really says "I love you forever" like faded granny pants hanging on the shower rail, or unbridled flatulence. The closeness, the ease of being with the person, the familiarity, the contempt, and yet we can't help it, can we? The more time you have spent with someone, the less you need to impress him or her. In fact, you pat yourself on the back and think to yourself, "It's great to have someone with whom I can just be myself." Well, don't be quite so pleased. It is hard to keep the romance and mystery alive if you wear the rattiest, schlumpiest clothes every minute you spend at home, or if you share every detail of your bathroom habits. There are things that no one needs to know. Respect that, and try to look presentable as much as possible. You can ditch the make-up or cologne, but do not wear clothes that make you look like a homeless wino.

Really kiss
Seriously, the peck on the cheek or the kiss on the forehead is a terrible development in a relationship. Take the time to "fall into kisses" like you used to, back in your dating days. Close your eyes, hold hands, hug, whatever it takes to keep on kissing.

Go on dates
It makes a huge difference to know that you are making an effort for each other. Pick a nice restaurant - not one where you are likely to run into friends, and dress up as if for a real date. Ban all discussion of responsibilities and problems at work or home. It is just the two of you on a date.

Role playing
This has the potential to be a naughty, steamy game. "Pick each other up" at a bar or over dinner. Act as if you are strangers attracted to each other, and whether or not as a singleton, you ever had one-night stands with near-strangers-treat this like one. Often people crave newness; give yourself the illusion of it: dress up as a sailor on a holiday or a damsel in distress. Even if you are too tired to think of elaborate role-play scenarios, you can always suggest a new move (women's magazines and the trusty Kamasutra to the rescue), a new location, a new toy or accessory (handcuffs or silk scarves anyone?), anything. Just one rule: neither of you should do anything that makes you too uncomfortable, and pass no judgment on your partner's suggestions.

Talk dirty
It can feel silly or plain wrong if you are out of practice. Yet, talking dirty to each other can be a potent aphrodisiac. If you do not have imagination, check out what people on cam sites are saying for ideas. If you absolutely can't bring yourself to say what you really think or want, then buy a book of erotic stories or poetry, or dig up the sexy bits you used to console yourself with as a teenager, and read them aloud to each other.

Flirt with others
No one is suggesting that you do an Eyes Wide Shut scene, and this is something to be careful with. However, light, harmless flirting can really spice things up between you and your partner. You will see the other person as a desirable, sexual being again.

Keep your bedroom sparse
Do what insomniacs are told. Keep your bedroom free of clutter and extraneous things like televisions. Couples who banish the idiot box from their bedrooms have close to 50% more sex than those who don not. Psychiatrist Keith Ablow says that couples should pay attention to the state of their bedroom; a mess there can signal a current or potential mess in your sex life. The bedroom is for relaxation, sleeping, and romance, so keep it that way.

Keep your senses alive
Often, you can spruce up a wavering libido simply with things that make life itself seem more attractive and luxurious. When all your senses are alive, you are much more likely to make love. Every so often, design small displays using stones, candles, and flowers. Cook delicious meals. Use high-count threads for your bed sheets. Be sensual in every sense of the word.

Spend time apart
Go away for a trip, or sleep apart for a while. You will soon realize that you don't just miss the warm body; you also miss what it can do.

Take charge
It is your relationship too, you know. So why wait for your partner to initiate lovemaking, or come up with ideas to spice up your sex life. Look around, fantasize, and then just plan. Your partner will feel wanted, happy, and very ready.


 
 
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Posted by: bob   (05/21/08)

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Posted by: NANE   (11/06/08)

NICE ARTICLE AND THE PARTNERS LOVE THAT THERE IS ALWAYS AN ENVY BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM.
Posted by: Emily Stoll   (12/10/10)

i liked the stuff in this article, but at the same time i think romance is more than that. i tried out some of the stuff, but it made more sense to let it slide and love him anyway.
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